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Friday, December 2, 2016

Shaken to my bones. And not just because fitbit alarms are really intense.

I slept through a low this morning.

And not just a low, but two fitbit alarms (vibrating on my wrist and therefore up into my soul) and seven phone alarms. (Getting up on time is not a joke to me!)

I have very rarely missed an alarm that I needed to get up to. And it's not that I didn't have them set - I just didn't respond. And not in the 'oh yeah, five more minutes' (or alternately, I hear your annoying tune and I raise you "I'm going to lie here, wide awake, until it stops") get up and turn it off, rinse, repeat non-response.

I do not have any recollection of waking up AT ALL.

I slept an hour and a half past when I am supposed to get up.

And I only woke up because my mom came in and woke me up and asked when I had to leave.

I am scared. This has never happened before, although now I'm realizing that those few mornings when I woke up covered in sweat probably weren't because the heater went into overdrive at two in the morning. The mornings I slept through a few alarms may not have been just because I was tired.

I was very fortunate in that nothing bad happened other than I was a minute late to class.

(I also decided this morning to finally register with the disability resource center because a) what if this happens again b) what if there's no one to wake me and I sleep through an entire class or c) what if this happens on an exam day? I'm sure teachers would understand...but what if they don't?)

I spent the morning reflecting on my own mortality, panicking about what could happen, and dealing with another bad low that I didn't feel coming. (Also a major point of concern).

I'm really leaning towards starting on a CGM, which is another scary thought. But, in line with the conclusion I came to this morning, not as scary as the thought of not waking up.

It could have been a lot worse. I literally could have died.

And that scares the shit out of me.

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