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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I've said all this before but it's crushing me.

This is not burnout. I think this is just overwhelmedness.

We'll see what happens when I take off the CGM. But that scares me too because having this constant flow of information, of knowing where I'm at, and knowing that I'm protected if I drop or skyrocket and don't know has been amazing. But also, wearing it is tough as balls. I can't decide if it's worth it. I think it is if it stays accurate (#nottoday) and maybe put it on my arm.

I keep experiencing what I think is close to anxiety attacks because I'm going to have this forever and I can't keep doing this every day. My control is good - it's really good - but it's not good enough. I'm back in that first-two-weeks-post-diagnosis-space where every number has to be perfect. I'm doing pretty well on that front, but it's Christmas and remembering to pre-bolus (which is working wonders for me) is hard. Also, apparently stuffing one's face full of junk food - even with insulin - is not a good way to deal with a bad day at work. #18.0@3AMfornoapparentreason

I can't do this my whole life. I can't wear a pump and a CGM forever. But I can't not, because I won't be able to handle the lack of control.

I need a better A1C. 6.8 isn't where I want to be, but nobody understands me because it's a good result.

I'm an A+ student and I'm not okay with having this thing constantly that doesn't consistently return an A+ result.

There's too much thinking. There's not enough talking. I felt so diabetic all of today. I don't think I ever stopped thinking about it.

I can't keep reading things because they just add to the overwhelmededness. This is bigger than I ever thought it was and I think not having school is leaving too much room for thinking.

I don't know who to talk to. I don't think the nurses will understand. I don't have an appointment with my doctor until March. I'm scared to try and get an appointment earlier. I know I should. Maybe.

I just can't keep handling this.

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