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Monday, April 10, 2017

Me: I am super anxious what can I do? Endo: Nothing, you just need to calm down. Me: I CAN'T I HAVE ANXIETY

I had my first appointment with my adult endo in her office today.

Apart from the office design (doctors, please make your offices friendly. It was hard enough to leave the train wallpaper of peds, but to walk into a white hallway and sit for an hour in a tiny super medical room? Gross! At least at my GP's the walls are yellow!), I have no major complaints. I do like her - that's decided now - I am happy with the way she looks at my data and explains things, and I think we will get on well going forward. I would like to feel a little bit more listened to, but we'll get there.

Leaving peds was hard, okay. I have always struggled with waiting three months between appointments, and six months is a significantly longer time. I know I can do this by myself, but I feel like you're trusting me too much. (I am doing fine. I know that.)

Also, like, major anxiety? About this appointment, yes (which is fine, it was fine, and now I know that for next time), but diabetes in general? And it won't stop? And I did manage to bring it up which I'm very proud of myself for, but I wasn't really offered any productive solutions. I'm going to try and calm down, so we'll see how that goes. I'm also considering booking an appointment with the school counselors (because they're free and then I don't have to explain the insurance claim).

She told me I'm definitely in the group that's at risk for depression and anxiety and burnout, but wasn't really able to help me. And I can't keep on with this anxiety, it's not sustainable.

There was helpfulness in the fact that she explained where complications start, where I want to be, and how I want to get there. And that seizures generally don't happen above 3.0. I don't know if knowing those things will help, but I feel like they might.

Technically, I am fine. I miss peds, of course, but then I remember how unproductive those meetings were towards the end. I think I'm just not ready to deal with this for the rest of my life, and I'm not ready to deal with it on my own.

Deep breaths.

I'll be okay.

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