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Monday, August 8, 2016

Things feel...different now.

So, I'm a big girl now. I'm starting Nursing in September. I just got back from a month-long trip to Russia and Mongolia. I go to the adult clinic now and today I rescheduled my appointment all by myself. Diabetes keeps falling a bit by the wayside, but it is still unfortunately so much a part of me. It will never stop me, but I need to remember that it will never stop, either. I'm a dia-beauty, and I will be for a long time.
I was talking with someone at work about scholarships and I mentioned there were diabetes ones (which I didn't get). Her comment threw me off a bit and I still don't know how to feel. "It's kind of silly that there's scholarships for that. I mean, it doesn't hold you back or anything!"
No, it doesn't. But is that because I work harder to prevent being held back? Is it only because I have decided not to let diabetes get in the way?
But it can be, it is, a barrier. It's an emotional one, certainly, it's a financial one in some cases, it's not always a physical one but it can be. Your diabetes may vary - but does anyone's ever hold them back?
Should we get disability tax credit? Should I be able to receive help from the school disability center if I need it? Should diabetes ever be an excuse?
I feel like the work we put in isn't always recognized. Yes, some days I test four times and leave it at that, but other days I test every hour, have combo boluses and temp basals running, have to tweak my basal rates, have to keep an eye on how I'm feeling to make sure I don't go too far out of range, have to really consider what I'm eating and what I'm doing and whether it's the best thing for me right now. And dealing with all this on top of doesn't feel like a big deal because it's just what I do. But it feels like it should be more of a big deal. It's a deal, at the very least.

I don't know. I'm coming up on seven years and that scares me. Diabetes is so much a part of me that it shocks me a bit when I think of life before diagnosis/when I realize that other people don't mentally calculate carbs all the time/when people ask me what a normal blood sugar range is because they don't know. It annoys me when people ask how to take care of me because they should just know. I prefer answering questions to hearing assumptions, but I feel like I'm talking to children because my brain just thinks everyone should know. And I don't like it. (On a sidenote, actually, it's interesting how much actual children retain when I teach them about diabetes. Years later girls will come up to me and say hey! Bubbles is on your arm! or hey, are you eating that because you're low? I love that they will ask their questions with genuine curiosity with no fear and no assumptions. I love that they just seem to know how to act.)

So. Seven. That feels like a big number.

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