And I missed it...

So...um...it was my fourth diaversary yesterday.

And I completely forgot.

I didn't forget leading up to it; on Friday I was like Hey! Sunday's the 13th! I should celebrate! and then I didn't remember until today. The 14th. I completely missed it.

Last year I didn't remember until 8 oclock at night - but I didn't MISS it.

I mean, I guess that's good - it's really not a big deal, it's just a part of my life now.

But it should be important.

I feel like I've forgotten a really important birthday. (Like 18. Or 19. Or anything after that. XD)

I should have celebrated that four year mark. I should have had cake. (Although I did, unknowingly, have a celebratory ice cream).

I think about this day most of the year. It's really important. It shows how much I've conquered, how much I've come through, who I am today.

I shouldn't feel bad. It's just a day. It really doesn't matter.

It's just that now, I've been taking hormones made in a lab for four years.
The lovely golden retriever [stuffie] named Sage on my bed is four years old now.
Bubbles is almost two. Little Buddy was one. Together, that's been three years. In May, it will have been four years minus seven months.
I've had those extra needles for four years.
I haven't stayed for more than an hour in a hospital for four years.
My fingers have had callouses and poke holes for four years.
I haven't been able to properly enjoy a bagel for four years. (C'mon, guys. Sugar free bagels. They should exist by now).

A LOT has happened in the last four years. I've been to Europe without my parents. I've travelled for 20 hours next to strangers. I've become a babysitter with an awesome reputation (and a lot of cash in the bank!). I've discovered what I want to be when I grow up. I've made new friends, lost old ones. I've become Giggles. I've become a Sparks leader. Sparks have become some of my favouritest people in the world. I've become a knitter.

I haven't even been knitting for four years.

I've had diabetes longer than I've been doing a lot of the things that are the first thing people think of when they think of me.

It's just a day. It shouldn't matter.
But I still remember most of it, even though a lot of the details are quite foggy.
The worst part is that I still remember life before diabetes.
I remember what it was like to not have to check my blood sugar.
I remember what it was like to be able to eat a bagel without worries.
I remember what it was like to be able to go to a sleepover and not have to worry about crazy highs. (Seriously. Every time.)
I remember life before, and that hurts more than life after ever has.

Next year it will have been five years since that fateful day. That's a big number.

The enormity of it all makes me want to cry.

It was only a dream...

I had a dream last night. I had a really weird sleep last night, so I'm not even going to try and figure out where it came from.
It was a dream about a hospital. (Well, not exactly, but it was a dream, and hospital played a part.)

I had a strange feeling when I woke up. Not a bad feeling, just a feeling that I couldn't quite identify.
I thought about it for quite a while (because this was a good feeling and I needed it back), I realized that it was the feeling that I get when I create awesome elaborate scenarios in my head (like the one where my bedroom has a spiral staircase and an alcove and a windowseat and a platform and a blanket nest and everything that has ever been perfect and there's that feeling again and I love it so much!
It's the feeling that seems to describe passion, that I feel whenever I really love something. Hopefully I'll have that feeling when I meet the person, that one person, hopefully the ONE. BUT - that's a long way off. Right now, especially after the scholarship presentation, I'm thinking about jobs and careers.
You remember how I said I felt this after a dream about a hospital? Well.
I've always loved hospitals. I was thinking this morning that I must have started liking them after diabetes (I know, I know, I'm kinda backwards). But no, because when I got my first French-English dictionary (it had beautiful pictures and I've tried to let go of it but I just CAN'T), I remember my favourite word was 'hospital'. I read the monosentence description over and over and over, trying to figure out my feelings. I used to play doctor all the time, and although the three days I did spend there sucked, I have always wanted to go back to the hospital. Well, not really, 'cause I don't want to be that sick, but that's just what I've wanted. The heart wants what the heart wants. (Or maybe it's the pancreas).
Most of you probably know that I've been leaning heavily towards a career in nursing (pediatrics, undeniably), and of course I've been quite unsure - because choosing NOW seems ridiculous. I mean, I'm only sixteen.
But because of this dream - and I know, it's ridiculous to decide based on a dream and feelings - but honestly, I am a lot more sure of myself. I think nursing is the right place for me, and of COURSE I'll have to try it out before I decide (that means volunteering, hopefully at the local hospital if I ever find myself with enough time.) I know it was only a dream and a childhood feeling, but it's definitely helped me on my path to the future. :)

Ranger Revolution!

I just got home from the big city on the mainland, where I got to participate in the first-ever Ranger Revolution! You should all know by now that I'm heavily involved in Girl Guides, and that it's pretty much my life, and that it means a LOT to me.
Well, this weekend, I was able to be a part of what was pretty much a conference for Ranger-aged girls (15-19). There were just over 40 of us, and although the hostel was...hostel-y, with rooms that were pretty much a hallway with no doors - 18 beds, though. It was very different from any hostel that I've been in before. It wasn't quite as nice as the one in Paris, but the neighbourhood was 1000 times better. Also, the three of us were alone in the gigantic room at the VERY END. It was kinda scary. The layout also did not make sense, until we found out that it used to be an army barracks, which is pretty cool.

The conference itself was AWESOME. We started with a personality test presentation - I knew what category I was going to be. And I was right. And I sometimes really like but sometimes really don't like working with people like me. I'm sorry, people who have had to work with me in the past and future. Then we had some individually chosen sessions - mine were Mad Science (cool experiments) and International Adventures (most of which stuff I knew, but it was cool). Between those we did an awesome service project (I made blankets with an awesome fringe and we also got to go to Chapters for kid's books). After our second session we did an Iron Chef competition - we made feta cheese/green onion quesadillas and toffee banana boats. We did not win. We were all super exhausted and happy to go back to the hostel.
This morning we had breakfast and headed back to Guide House, where my sessions were Financial Management (everything of which I knew) and Communication Games ('twas awesome, definitely learned some stuff for Sparks. (Wow, I just typed Ted instead of Sparks. Too much How I met your Mother?) After that we had a REALLY good presentation on scholarships. I kinda feel prepared now. :)

I actually made some friends (all by myself!), and I had a FABULOUS time. Thank you so much to the program committee for putting this on, and all the Rangers for coming! It was so much fun!

It also intensified my desire to attend Friends For Life. Check it out. Take me with you. :)

Diabeticness and a busy day.

Hey! So, yesterday was a diabetes-filled day. It was great. I had to get up really early cause clinic was at 8am! (Downtown!) It was great though - my A1c is 7.3 (and although that's a bit higher than I'd like it, my only diabetes goal was to not go low, therefore any number above 4.0 was good enough for me for 5 weeks. It's not like I had many highs, but some numbers weren't great. But I also had LOADS of fun, so everything is as it should be :) ). Also, ALSO, I grew! I am now OFFICIALLY 5 foot 4 (and point one of a centimetre!)

After a breakfast at Tim Hortons, I returned to school (missed my chemistry test - urgh) and watched the rest of a very Canadian French film. School, you know. It was school. I have nothing else to say.

But, AFTER school! I got to go to the other Sparks unit for the first time - and they are SO ADORABLE! And, the diabetic one! She's 6, and she's going to be my new best friend :) Her mum said she's never met an older diabetic. Even though we've both had diabetes for almost the same time, she seemed to look up to me (I mean, we went on a walk and she was holding my hand from the get-go, even though her mum was there :) ). I've been waiting to meet a littler kid with diabetes for a long time, someone I can maybe mentor and help a bit. I've never been the 'big girl' diabetic - although I'm not always the youngest in a group, I've almost always been the youngest diabetic - meaning that I've had diabetes for less time than all of my friends. But now, I get to be the big girl, for the first time ever! And now I know someone I can be the big girl for! And because she's a spark, I get to GET to know her! Stoked!

Well, after that I did a presentation on my Europe trip, which went pretty well. And that's all I have to say.

One last thing - Sparks REALLY like the fact that my pump is named Bubbles.

FINISHED!

GUYS GUYS GUYS!

I finished my book! My 1232-page, ancient story, Les Miserables in its original form only in English, and I'm finished!!! I started in February, and it was really slow going for a long time, also I skipped August completely (can we say In Europe all month?). It's been seven months, twelve hundred and thirty-two pages, and a lot of newfound emotions.

It was all the same characters (although no music :( ), but the book went much deeper than I ever dreamed of thinking (because obviously it's a book), and I found out a lot of things that nearly made me cry. I know that none of you care, but I have a lot of things I need to talk about and NO ONE TO TALK ABOUT THEM WITH!!!

For example, did you know....

Grantaire was drunk the entire fight!
Grantaire and Enjolras is a canon ship! And it's adorable!
I can name almost all the barricade boys!
Marius is an idiot!
An absolute idiot!
He's such and idiot I can't even explain!
Cosette and Marius TOGETHER were less than forty!
Valjean pretended to break his thumb so he wouldn't have to watch Cosette get married! (Well, not really, but kinda)
Joly and Bahorel (I think those are the two) share EVERYTHING!

Because it's early in the morning and I haven't been reading it for a while (like, twelve hours), I can't think of anything else. But yeah. Emotions. Creys. Need passionate people to talk with.

That's all. WAIT! Also, I lost Bubbles (my pump) down the side of the couch. It was still attached, and I tried to get up (which didn't work). Yeah. It was great.

:)

Some stuff is hard.

Sorry guys, it's been a while (again).

Europe was FABULOUS, and life felt kinda unreal afterwards - because I realized that now it's just memories and pictures. Weird.

I have a Europe meeting tonight, where we'll sort out our presentation and share photos and cool stuff like that. :)

Sparks started last week, and although half of them got stung by wasps, it went well after that. :) I didn't get to go to the other Sparks meeting this week, because I was babysitting (money, money, money!), but apparently one of their sparks is DIABETIC. Do you hear me? DIABETIC. I have wanted to know a diabetic small child for nearly four years! And she's not in my unit. That sucks. But I'll get to meet her (and all the other new sparks!) next week, and at camp, and at Spark joint activities, etc., etc. :) It'll be great.

How I met your mother is a great show. Also it's short, which is perfect.

School is okay so far, kinda stressful cause it's grade 11 (!).

I can't art. Art is hard. I'm not very good at it. Drawing. Ugh.

TV starts soon! Stoked!

I don't have all that much to say right now. Tired. Writing. Sorry it's been so long. Love you all.

I'm home!

Hey guys! It's been five weeks, four countries, and more than 24 hours on planes, but now I'm home. I went to Wales, England (London), France (Paris) and Switzerland (Adelboden mostly). It was a fabulous time and I'd like to thank my parents, Girl Guides of Canada, and my groups' leaders for giving me this opportunity.

I can't believe it's over and that it's just a memory now. I do have lots of memories though, as well as 700 dollars of souvenirs, tons of pictures, and lots of badges for my camp blanket.

I had minimal diabetes issues on this fabulous adventure - I had a 1.9 that came out of nowhere, a few 2s and some minor lows - but other than that, I was good blood sugar wise. Security was another story - don't you just love it when people try and tell you that "no, no, your pump that the manufacturer told you can't go through the xray is just fine going through"? I love that. NOT. There was one lady that was so not listening to me that the pump nearly did go through the xray! I'm not sure what would have happened, but I don't think it would have been good.

Anyway, I have nothing else to say right now because it's starting to get late and because I am still majorly jetlagged. (Stayed up 26 hours straight yesterday! And it was 630 four times! Woohoo time travel!) Just wanted to say that I'm here, I'm good, and I had the time of my life.

And diabetes? Did not get in the way. :)